Confession 2: I am anxious about trips.

Okay, confession number two here we go.
Today, I am thinking about anxiety over trips. I am defining trips as anywhere I go outside of my own house. Be it to the mailbox, my workplace, the store, vacation or a business trip. I really like to plan out every aspect well in advance of any trip so that I can assure myself and others that things will go well. I also like to make backup plans in case the first option doesn't work out. If I do not do this I am uncomfortable and I worry about whether or not things will go well. I will try to plan out trips so far in advance it's virtually impossible to plan them (for example, we don't know travel dates yet for a trip we may or may not be taking in November, but I have already considered airplane, hotel and dining options).

I do think that in some ways this is a good thing. My counsellor and I have discussed that in some cases, thinking of trips in this way makes me better prepared to handle unexpected situations. For example, it you are going camping and you drive for several hours only to find out that the camping area you chose is closed, knowing the directions to a few other places close by is a great idea. That way you don't end up sleeping in your car on the side of the road or being eaten by a bear. Or, if you have the forethought to make reservations at an exciting restaurant you may end up having a really great experience instead of missing out on something amazing (or waiting in line for hours). Most of my worry goes into thinking that the people with me won't have fun or the purpose of the trip will not be effectively realized (e.g. we won't have a great vacation or the conference presentation won't work out well because I didn't do something correctly).
I know most people have these worries, but the main problem is that I spend so much time thinking about what could potentially happen, and trying to make plans to avoid issues, that I usually end up making myself feel ill. Or I drive BD (BD=Boyfriend's name for this blog) crazy. I sometimes can end up on a very vicious mental loop, considering all the potential horrific things that could happen on a trip. It typically starts will something small, but sad, like spilled ice cream. From there the cycle continues until I arrive at things like car and plan crashes. Sadly, there is no way to make alternative plans for something like a major plane crash, so I just end up feeling horrible. What good does thinking of every possible bad outcome do for me?

My plan for this anxiety
Since I have identified that in some cases my need to plan can be a good thing, I have decided that when I begin the worry/planning cycle over some sort of trip, I will strive to ask myself if worrying and planning is going to help me in anyway.

If the answer is yes, I will continue to plan, hopefully remembering to continue to ask myself that same question. "Is this still helping? How?"

If the answer is no, then I believe I will need to start being okay with feeling uncomfortable not planning. If there is no need to plan and worry, then I shouldn't be. My counsellor (known after this as C) says that maybe it's okay to be uncomfortable with not knowing what will happen. And perhaps it is. Maybe it's okay sometimes to trust others to plan for me. Maybe it's okay not to know what could potentially happen. Right now...sadly, I don't believe that. Perhaps with practice it will be okay.

I have several trips coming up, some closer than others-one in August that I am dying to completely plan out. I have already discussed it with BD and C and they say this one is okay to plan for, since we are driving across country and have to ride ferry boats. Ferry boats that need reservations so you can fit your car in them. So I get to schedule out our drive, find places to stay and map out things to my heart's content! Then there's one in November that isn't even really my trip to plan, so that one will be harder. I am an invited guest, not the organizer. So it will be interesting. Maybe by then I will be better at letting go? My thoughts have already turned to potential trips that could happen next summer, but I'm fairly certain I need to put the brakes on planning those for now. There's no reason to plan them right now (hey, maybe I'm already getting the hang of this!)

Well, that's all for now. We'll see how the plan goes. Cheers.

Confession 1: I have anxiety over whether my house (especially the bathroom) is clean enough.

So, welcome to my new blog. I've another one of these that I sometimes update, it's mostly for personal discussions and interests.

This one is a new idea of mine to help me with some recent issues I've been addressing.
Apparently I have anxiety. Over a lot of different things. From how clean my house is, to driving my car, to falling asleep at night all the way to flying or going to book club. Generally...I've been anxious over everything. A lot of it has to do with either personal encounters or safety issues.
I'm seeing a counselor and also a doctor for some prescriptions (oh joy).

It's been an interesting ride, this diagnosis (?). I've always known myself to be a worrier, but in the last year it's gotten worse. I was having nightly panic attacks and not sleeping. It was time to get help.

On one side I am working through those problems with some medical professionals. But on my side I am starting this blog. I don't know if it will help, hell it might even hurt. But I wonder if it may help me work through some of the issues I have. I also think maybe if a family member or two reads it someday they may understand me a little more. Perhaps there are others out there struggling with this too, and maybe my posts will help them feel less alone (and less crazy maybe).

Here goes, I'm going to confess a slightly odd anxiety during each post and see where this takes me.

For today, my confession is about cleaning my house. I already talked to my counselor about this, and I know it's odd. We had company in town that could have stopped by our home for a short time this morning. It was a slim chance. I woke up, ate breakfast and then suddenly threw myself into cleaning the first floor (I know both floors was beyond my reach before the company could arrive). I quickly but nicely cleaned up. In the guest bathroom, which I had just recently cleaned, I did not find much to do. So I wiped everything down, emptied the trash, etc. I was saving the toilet bowl for the last thing to do, since I hate that job. So I swept and finished de-cluttering then went back to the bathroom. The toilet was actually very clean, totally perfect. Didn't need to do anything. Plus, I had a quick appt. with my counselor and needed to go get ready. So, I didn't clean the toilet.
I should have just cleaned the damn toilet.
My shower conversation with myself went like this (this is a condensed version btw):

Me: Oh, how I love hot showers the are so nice and relaxing...

Also Me: I didn't clean the toilet.

Me: Oh, no, it's okay it was clean.

Also Me: ....maybe I should clean the toilet.

Me: Nah, it's fine.

Also Me: But....maybe company will see something I didn't, maybe it's not quite clean enough. I was rushing, maybe there's something wrong with it. I have to clean it.

Me: You only have a half hour...and it takes 15 mins to get to your appt. You don't have time. Calm down.

Also Me: ...THERE'S NOTHING WORSE THAN A GROSS TOILET. People are coming to your house. What would your mother and your grandmother think of you, letting those nice people see a horribly dirty house. What is wrong with you?

Me:...but it's not gross. It was actually kinda sparkly with cleanliness. Get a grip. Good thing you are seeing your shrink today, you really need to talk to her.

End absurdly dramatic scene. The conversation actually continued throughout the rest of my morning routine (including doing hair, makeup, finding clothes, etc.)

So, confession 1: I have anxiety over whether my house (especially the bathroom) is clean enough.