Confession 1: I have anxiety over whether my house (especially the bathroom) is clean enough.

So, welcome to my new blog. I've another one of these that I sometimes update, it's mostly for personal discussions and interests.

This one is a new idea of mine to help me with some recent issues I've been addressing.
Apparently I have anxiety. Over a lot of different things. From how clean my house is, to driving my car, to falling asleep at night all the way to flying or going to book club. Generally...I've been anxious over everything. A lot of it has to do with either personal encounters or safety issues.
I'm seeing a counselor and also a doctor for some prescriptions (oh joy).

It's been an interesting ride, this diagnosis (?). I've always known myself to be a worrier, but in the last year it's gotten worse. I was having nightly panic attacks and not sleeping. It was time to get help.

On one side I am working through those problems with some medical professionals. But on my side I am starting this blog. I don't know if it will help, hell it might even hurt. But I wonder if it may help me work through some of the issues I have. I also think maybe if a family member or two reads it someday they may understand me a little more. Perhaps there are others out there struggling with this too, and maybe my posts will help them feel less alone (and less crazy maybe).

Here goes, I'm going to confess a slightly odd anxiety during each post and see where this takes me.

For today, my confession is about cleaning my house. I already talked to my counselor about this, and I know it's odd. We had company in town that could have stopped by our home for a short time this morning. It was a slim chance. I woke up, ate breakfast and then suddenly threw myself into cleaning the first floor (I know both floors was beyond my reach before the company could arrive). I quickly but nicely cleaned up. In the guest bathroom, which I had just recently cleaned, I did not find much to do. So I wiped everything down, emptied the trash, etc. I was saving the toilet bowl for the last thing to do, since I hate that job. So I swept and finished de-cluttering then went back to the bathroom. The toilet was actually very clean, totally perfect. Didn't need to do anything. Plus, I had a quick appt. with my counselor and needed to go get ready. So, I didn't clean the toilet.
I should have just cleaned the damn toilet.
My shower conversation with myself went like this (this is a condensed version btw):

Me: Oh, how I love hot showers the are so nice and relaxing...

Also Me: I didn't clean the toilet.

Me: Oh, no, it's okay it was clean.

Also Me: ....maybe I should clean the toilet.

Me: Nah, it's fine.

Also Me: But....maybe company will see something I didn't, maybe it's not quite clean enough. I was rushing, maybe there's something wrong with it. I have to clean it.

Me: You only have a half hour...and it takes 15 mins to get to your appt. You don't have time. Calm down.

Also Me: ...THERE'S NOTHING WORSE THAN A GROSS TOILET. People are coming to your house. What would your mother and your grandmother think of you, letting those nice people see a horribly dirty house. What is wrong with you?

Me:...but it's not gross. It was actually kinda sparkly with cleanliness. Get a grip. Good thing you are seeing your shrink today, you really need to talk to her.

End absurdly dramatic scene. The conversation actually continued throughout the rest of my morning routine (including doing hair, makeup, finding clothes, etc.)

So, confession 1: I have anxiety over whether my house (especially the bathroom) is clean enough.