Okay, confession number two here we go.
Today, I am thinking about anxiety over trips. I am defining trips as anywhere I go outside of my own house. Be it to the mailbox, my workplace, the store, vacation or a business trip. I really like to plan out every aspect well in advance of any trip so that I can assure myself and others that things will go well. I also like to make backup plans in case the first option doesn't work out. If I do not do this I am uncomfortable and I worry about whether or not things will go well. I will try to plan out trips so far in advance it's virtually impossible to plan them (for example, we don't know travel dates yet for a trip we may or may not be taking in November, but I have already considered airplane, hotel and dining options).
I do think that in some ways this is a good thing. My counsellor and I have discussed that in some cases, thinking of trips in this way makes me better prepared to handle unexpected situations. For example, it you are going camping and you drive for several hours only to find out that the camping area you chose is closed, knowing the directions to a few other places close by is a great idea. That way you don't end up sleeping in your car on the side of the road or being eaten by a bear. Or, if you have the forethought to make reservations at an exciting restaurant you may end up having a really great experience instead of missing out on something amazing (or waiting in line for hours). Most of my worry goes into thinking that the people with me won't have fun or the purpose of the trip will not be effectively realized (e.g. we won't have a great vacation or the conference presentation won't work out well because I didn't do something correctly).
I know most people have these worries, but the main problem is that I spend so much time thinking about what could potentially happen, and trying to make plans to avoid issues, that I usually end up making myself feel ill. Or I drive BD (BD=Boyfriend's name for this blog) crazy. I sometimes can end up on a very vicious mental loop, considering all the potential horrific things that could happen on a trip. It typically starts will something small, but sad, like spilled ice cream. From there the cycle continues until I arrive at things like car and plan crashes. Sadly, there is no way to make alternative plans for something like a major plane crash, so I just end up feeling horrible. What good does thinking of every possible bad outcome do for me?
My plan for this anxiety
Since I have identified that in some cases my need to plan can be a good thing, I have decided that when I begin the worry/planning cycle over some sort of trip, I will strive to ask myself if worrying and planning is going to help me in anyway.
If the answer is yes, I will continue to plan, hopefully remembering to continue to ask myself that same question. "Is this still helping? How?"
If the answer is no, then I believe I will need to start being okay with feeling uncomfortable not planning. If there is no need to plan and worry, then I shouldn't be. My counsellor (known after this as C) says that maybe it's okay to be uncomfortable with not knowing what will happen. And perhaps it is. Maybe it's okay sometimes to trust others to plan for me. Maybe it's okay not to know what could potentially happen. Right now...sadly, I don't believe that. Perhaps with practice it will be okay.
I have several trips coming up, some closer than others-one in August that I am dying to completely plan out. I have already discussed it with BD and C and they say this one is okay to plan for, since we are driving across country and have to ride ferry boats. Ferry boats that need reservations so you can fit your car in them. So I get to schedule out our drive, find places to stay and map out things to my heart's content! Then there's one in November that isn't even really my trip to plan, so that one will be harder. I am an invited guest, not the organizer. So it will be interesting. Maybe by then I will be better at letting go? My thoughts have already turned to potential trips that could happen next summer, but I'm fairly certain I need to put the brakes on planning those for now. There's no reason to plan them right now (hey, maybe I'm already getting the hang of this!)
Well, that's all for now. We'll see how the plan goes. Cheers.
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